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Lawrence E. Kincade, Ph.D., LCSW >
Reflective Listening
- The person who has the concern is responsible for bringing it up as soon as possible. Before you bring the problem up, think it through in your own mind.
- State the problem to your partner as clearly and concretely as possible. Consider the following format: "I am feeling (e.g., hurt and confused) because of (e.g., the comments you said about my issues with my boss, when we visited your parents last night)."
- It is important that you both understand the problem being brought up. The partner who is on the receiving end should then reflect back what was said considering the following format: "I hear you saying you feel ____________ because of ___________________." After reflecting back what was said, ask clarifying questions so you know exactly what your partner meant. For example, "What is it that upsets you?"
- When both partners agree on what is being said, the first partner may proceed.
- The partner who brings up the problem or concern should take responsibility for offering a possible solution (e.g., "I can make sure you know what my preferences are about ____________. I would like to suggest that in the future you _________________").
- This solution can be discussed and then your partner may offer a counterproposal. The solution should involve changes both of you can make.
- Discuss several options until you agree on a proposal that is workable or effective (not right or wrong).
- Once you have agreed on an idea, proceed to talk about how you will operationalize it, or put it into action. This means being able to clearly answer the questions: Who will do what, when and how.
- Once everything has been worked out, think about what could happen to undermine it, or sabotage the agreement.
- Agree to come back to this issue after some specific period of time to assess how the agreement is working. You can always adjust it later.
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